That five letter word.

Exams. My mouth is getting dry just ruining about it. But it's not the test that has me thinking; but what comes after. Exams mean summer is coming, but they also mean change. It means it's time to leave Blacksburg for a while and face the challenges of the real world without friends around every corner. It means leaving the comfortability of routine that makes things easy. There are a lot of things I am going to miss really. Being able to bike everywhere. Living with my best friends. The amount of time I spend outside. The river. Gilles. Junior year will be done and senior year will come with it's uncertainty and insecurity. One of the biggest would be my church family. Christ's body has been the biggest blessing throughout the past two years and I have thought about sticking around this summer just to stay connected. The fellowship before and after church is genuine and authentic. Four of my roommates will be moving on and graduating. All going to do beautiful things in the Kingdom with the Savior. Two will be going into Muslim culture to show them truth and true grace. The other two will be working with students and growing them into true believers that let go of this world. The fifth is studying in Finland. Although I have nothing to fear with change because this world is not my home, I do have sadness in my heart knowing that I possibly won't see these woman again until we praise Jesus face to face. Many other friends will be leaving and I will loose contact with. All who I admire and look to for wisdom and example. This past year has come with God doing a might work in His men. Men that pray together, often all night long. That love each other and their sisters and take seriously their position as protectors and Christ's servants. The mountains, something I never thought I would miss. Being able to walk everywhere! I know I mentioned it but living in Blacksburg is convenient! There is a little hippie grocery store right behind the house and a coffee shop right next to that. I walk to work, to the gym, and to friends houses. Our front porch and the community of our neighbors. We spend so much time just sitting on our front porch doing work and watching the world. Although I'm not one to get sentimental, sometimes I don't want things to change. I'm not ready to face the responsibility of the world and it's uncertainties. I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Blessed are the meek...

Climb This Mountain

Heather, Laura and I climbed up Bald Knob last night to catch the sunset. ^^

Of course Josie came along too. 

There are so many good resources out there that can give us insight and knowledge from a different perspective on who God is who how to pursue holiness with greater desire. Some good, others are more fluff than biblical truth. There are so many believers around me and all are showing different speakers or new books that changed some aspect of their walk and revealed to them a little more the character of God, but there is danger in this. These resources are someone else's perspective or revelation. I think one reason we get so excited about the newest book or sermon is because it feeds us revelation so easily without us having to do much thinking or relying on the Holy Spirit. Most of the information we pass along and believe about God is stuff that has been pre-chewed and digested from someone else. I for one am hugely guilty of this realizing very few times have I ever had an individual thought toward God, especially when it comes to they way I disciple other believers. This is hugely convicting, how can I claim to walk so closely with the father when I haven't yet trained my mind to think through scripture and to be moved by God's grace. This had become such a problem in my walk that I was realizing how little I knew Christ for myself. I didn't have that longing to be with him or even a want to want to be intimate with him. So much so that even upon reading the Bible when I saw phrases like, "Christ who died for us" who "wiped away every sin" and went on to describe what an immeasurable gift and sacrifice I had received; I felt nothing and often times mostly skipped over these passages. Constantly frustrated at why men and woman around me so easily stirred up emotions for God and I often sat there during lengthy prayer times emotionless and only thinking about how to best arrange my schedule that afternoon so as to squeeze in a run before night. This all became too much to bear 3 miles into a run one afternoon when I realized with gut wrenching reality that I could look up myself plunging nails into my Savior's wrists and feel nothing. I could see his eyes staring back at me, with each blow only increasing the depth of love in his eyes never letting his gaze deviate from slicing straight through to the depths of my soul. There is no way I can believe in the Son and still have a soul so apathetic and unbelieving. It was time for some serious examining and testing, but I didn't have to look far, I knew what was at the heart of my unbelief without looking very hard. It was "an evil desire to shine" that made me want my own pride far greater than I wanted to exalt Christ. So I did this by constantly looking out for myself and being completely lazy in nurturing and cherishing my relationship with Jesus. This soul had dropped to such a low because it had come so easy up to this point that when it stopped being easy, I found something else in which that I could chase after but it only brought turmoil. That being said, I am going to place an exert from a book. Yes, after that huge rant I know. A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God Chapter 9 on the meekness of Christ. 

Meekness and Rest

Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. — Matt 5:5

...

The burden borne by mankind is a heavy and a crushing thing. The word Jesus used means aload carried or toil borne to the point of exhaustion. Rest is simply release from that burden. It is notsomething we do, it is what comes to us when we cease to do. His own meekness, that is the rest.Let us examine our burden. It is altogether an interior one. It attacks the heart and the mind and reaches the body only from within. First, there is the burden of pride.  The labor of self-love is a heavy one indeed. Think for yourself whether much of your sorrow has not arisen from someone speaking slightingly of you. As long as you set yourself up as a little god to which you must be loyal there will be those who will delight to offer affront to your idol. How then can you hope to have inward peace? The heart’s fierce effort to protect itself from every slight, to shield its touchy honor from the bad opinion of friend and enemy, will never let the mind have rest. Continue this fight through the years and the burden will become intolerable. Yet the sons of earth are carrying this burden continually, challenging every word spoken against them, cringing under every criticism, smarting under each fancied slight, tossing sleepless if another is preferred before them. Such a burden as this is not necessary to bear. Jesus calls us to His rest, and meekness is His method. The meek man cares not at all who is greater than he, for he has long ago decided that the esteem of the world is not worth the effort. He develops toward himself a kindly sense of humor and learns to say, “Oh, so you have been overlooked? They have placed someone else before you? They have whispered that you are pretty small stuff after all? And now you feel hurt because the world is saying about you the very things you have been saying about yourself? Only yesterday you were telling God that you were nothing, a mere worm of the dust. Where is your consistency? Come on, humble yourself, and cease to care what men think.” The meek man is not a human mouse afflicted with a sense of his own inferiority. Rather he may be in his moral life as bold as a lion and as strong as Samson; but he has stopped being fooled about himself. He has accepted God’s estimate of his own life. He knows he is as weak and helpless as God has declared him to be, but paradoxically, he knows at the same time that he is in the sight of God of more importance than angels. In himself, nothing; in God, everything. That is his motto. He knows well that the world will never see him as God sees him and he has stopped caring. He rests perfectly content to allow God to place His own values. He will be patient to wait for the day when everything will get its own price tag and real worth will come into its own. Then the righteous shall shine forth in the Kingdom of their Father. He is willing to wait for that day. In the meantime he will have attained a place of soul rest. As he walks on in meekness he will be happy to let God defend him. The old struggle to defend himself is over. He has found the peace which meekness brings.

-A.W. Tozer.

300 miles ahead,

We leave for St. Augustine in four days. Four girls. Four bikes. Four Bibles. Two tents. And lots of Ramen. 300 miles later we will be to bike into Ft. Lauderdale Thursday night(Lord willing) and Fly to Baltimore. Stay the night into the airport and then take the train home Friday. Every Campsite, grocery store, and tool has been planned down the the last detail thanks to my very organized friends. Because everyone knows I don't have any concept of planning ahead or any concept of danger. What I pray will come out of every mile? Glory to my Abba. I am grateful and incredibly blessed to be able to spend time and money on leisure like this. Let not a second be wasted but every moment be filled with training our flesh, loving each other, and realizing how much we are loved by The infinitely good God.
Glorify yourself and teach me to love you. Stir up hunger for intimacy with you Abba because I do not want you as I want to.

Life as it happens.

I choose not to believe what people say that college is "the best time of your life." While it is fun, I love every part of it from the studying to the friends around 24/7 I know that with each day this soul draws closer to Christ, and I look forward to the day when God's will and my flesh not longer battle. These past four years have been consumed with spiritual growth only the Lord knows the maturing experiences that await next. Looking back at this past weeks it's been one of those where I'm up at 6:30 with my feet running and now sitting at the local coffee shop. Although my house sits just about 500 feet away, so do the distractions. My older roommates have contracted this disease called senioritis (love all the way ladies) that comes in the form of hours upon hours of card playing and just talking. There is also this matter of the furry children that never cease to make me feel guilty when I can't take Josie out until later or questioning if the cat is still in the house or I should send out an all points bulletin to the neighborhood boys. Then there is the matter of Rachel and I's room that has suffered from the busy weekend that of course calls me to clean it or my bike that is an endless source of needed repairs. I'm not complaining, don't misunderstand, I wouldn't trade these blessings and my life marked by very few difficulties. But, all those things have lead me to pick a small corner table with my books, a cup of tea (I just asked the cashier to surprise me so I don't know what kind), and my Andy McKee instrumental music. Only a test and a paper on one of Ellison's works keep me from this blog. Shame. ha!




Over this past week I was pranked twice by unknown suspects, once with toilet paper and another with bags...

















Truly realized how many girls I live with when I saw this one morning.



Bought our plane tickets for our bike trip!



Jesus and I took Josie for a walk.

Hebrews 10

Warning. You can read these words if you want, but I still don't totally know the motives behind this new blogging endeavor. The grammar and writing skills are that of a trilingual six year old whose third language is English. It probably won't make sense, take from it what you can. Leave what you want. Peace and Blessings brave soul(s).

with Reckless Abandon.





reck·less

 


adjective


1. utterly unconcerned about the consequences of someaction; without caution

a·ban·don- verb
1.to leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert
3.to give up the control of
4.to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation; give(oneself) over

College. Men and woman everyday, almost all of them, squeezing every last drop out of their four years here to define themselves. This searching can be seen in everyone, even in us as believers as we struggle to remind ourselves that we were not created for the temporary. No one would admit they are searching for purpose; it sounds too cliche and typical. People fight their whole lives to "learn to love themselves" or to "just do what makes you happy." This soul was created to find every desire satisfied and to find joy only in one way. This soul continues day after day to pursue intimacy and to bring glory to a God who ransomed His own flesh and blood just because he wanted to pour out his love on the undeserving.

Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:19-24
If I truly believed what is said in these verses why wouldn't I step out of the boat into the raging storm? Why wouldn't I give up watching TV just because it hinders? Why would I have any fear of what man could do to me? Why would I be so slow to speak truth because of my own pride. This world is not my home, so what the world considers reckless and foolish, I can see no greater calling than going where my Lord sends me and doing whatever he calls. Some say not to be foolish with what God has given me, but isn't it human tendency to want to remain physically comfortable, safe, and secure when I eternally forever free, unable to be taken from the hand of God, and receive love and mercy that will never be withdrawn. It's a constant prayer for this flesh to recognize the things that are battling for my desires and affections like food, "my time," a desire to be wanted and accepted (fear of man is HUGE for me), selfishness. Because of sin this flesh is hopeless. For every one look to examine myself, I must immediately turn and take ten looks at Christ. That is the only way to give perspective to the madness and chaos of our day. Only in giving up, letting go of, utterly forsaking my own desires and will for Him. Nowhere inside of this body is power to earn, to do enough good to earn God's favor, or to make beautiful what has been broken. He calls me toward Him and brings this flesh face down at His beautiful feet. It's a slow journey, not denying that. The inability to change is redeemed into a steadfast heart that trusts (Psalm 108). Believers can't be reasoned out of their faith. They abandon temporary pleasures. Then there is the last part. It's such a good description. Without Restraint in prayer, crying out with sincerity and urgency. Giving myself over to others. Building them up and encouraging them upward. Without reason in how we seek Him because we are SO NEEDY. Desperate in our desire to be in heaven but realizing our work here is not done and many do not know. Prayerfully you will see that being hopeless means being filled with hope forever and always. Failing daily, but always continuing on. Realizing that living recklessly and abandoning everything is the only option. And it's a beautiful one.